It's fun… until it's not fun anymore…

Like they say, all the good things come to an end. I can feel you fading away in front of my eyes. There is nothing I can say or do to make you stay. When did this happen, where did »us« go? Every minute you seem further away from me, a shadow that fades away with time. I try to understand why, is it me or is it just you or it was all just an illusion in my head? We seemed to be perfect together, maybe it was all too good to be true. I pretended that everything is as it was and stuck to the reality I knew while my world was crashing in front of me. Confrontation is not an option at this time. If I say it out loud, it will become real so I keep my head down and let time pass. A wise woman said to us once:« Relationships are work every day.« We smiled and and didn't pay attention to it. I ask myself if it's all just for keeping up appearances or is there some love left in this story? I am trying to find a way to get to you, to get past this thick wall you built around yourself. We are so alike but so different in the same way. Go figure. My fear of loosing you is killing me and slowly damaging us and slowly I will loose you. Every word you say, every look and every glince at your face is killing me peace by piece. You have the power to destroy me with just one word. 

In a memory of my grandma

That morning I woke up with a certain pain in my chest and my stomach and mostly in my heart. Deep down I knew you are gone. I looked at the sky and just asked God or what ever force that exist, that you will be alright... but you were gone. You went at the time you always go to sleep every day, so do I for the past year. I drove to work that day with this pain in my heart and only two hours later I found out that you are gone. I did not know what pain and emptyness felt like untill you past away. They say that events like this make us stronger but I just don't know if I will be able to just live my life without you. You meant, mean the world to me! My pain is so deep that it cannot be described in a million words, not even poored out with a million tears. I have ran out of tears but I still wake up several times at night with the taught that you are gone and it is beyond imaginable. Your death was sudden and unexpected, it left us with a big hole in our hearts. You must know I will always be thinking of you and living my life the you would be proud of me as you always were. Thank you for all of your moments and for always being there for me. Now I feel alone. If I could just hold you one more time, it would be... I've come to realize that for me grief is like a foreign object stuck in my heart. It has become a part of me. Loss has changed the way I look at life. 

Different

For the first time in my life I can't really say how it started and how it happened. It just did and it was all just nothing untill you made that decisive move that I know you are still not aware of and you didn't have the slightest idea what you just did. After the move my brain switched into another dimension, where the rest of the world doesn't exist. From that moment on, you are all I can think of. You fascinated me with your charm and I just want to stay with you in that house untill the snow melts again.

I keep running away from the life I've known before, I put a fake smile, fake routine and just pursue my destiny. Just the thought of a decision kills me. Maybe it's meant to be like this. Can you love two people at the same time? Is this just a reaction to his flaws and dissapointing performance from the last couple of months or is this really something I crawe, want or maybe even need?

The Gap

There is a great gap between us. I feel anger, despair, emptiness and no way out or nothing to keep us together. We used to have this amazing unbreakable connection between us. No one could enter our world... and then everything went blank and we woke up, knowing that we have this empty gap in our lives. Were things just momentary and honest, true in that point and time or were they just an illusion to create our own world in our heads where no one could enter or even know it ever existed... No one would believe it, even we didn't. It was magical, unforgetable and full of feelings; it was maybe even unrepeatable... Was it really? Could we achieve the same state with just... fresh air? I think we couldn't. We allowed ourselves to taste everything that it has to offer for the price no usual person could take and live with. We are left with great destruction of ourselves and torturing all the people around us. Will we ever be the same? Will it ever be? Imagine that some period of your life just dissapears and you are left with regret, bitterness in your soul and some blury memmories. You have to start over but nothing feels right and you just can't see the point in it. Time flies, i go back and forth... it gets better day by day, then it  hits me again. I calm down a bit, think it over and start again... day after day.
Will you come back? Will the person I have known for years ever come back and tell me a nasty joke and then just laughed at it like it was nothing? I yearn for that look in your eyes when you first kissed me and the things I felt. We just clicked in one moment and it started. It never stopped. I think it never will. It was so good so we spiced it up a bit, that is what tore us apart and left this empty feeling that there is no hope. Even if we go on our seperate ways, there is still no hope. We tend to stay together and survive.
Then there is a question; was it worth it? I will always say it was. Will it happen anyway? It probobly would but our way was unique, special and no words can describe it. 

About the "Manual"...

Lost. Confused. Sad. That is what happened here. No clue how, when and on what way did I come here?! With these people you have a clear YES or a even clearer NO. Like with “us”, just that I know for the first second, they need time to analyze the situation. When there is a YES, they would do anything for you, note with perfection. If there is a NO, they would cut you off in one second. I have lived both reactions, unfortunately can’t deal with the second one. This is a very special person, cold on the outside but with the right actions his soft side can be discovered. Very funny guy, he is in need of safety as well and affection. Like a little child, he would lie in your arms and let you pet him for as long as you want. Just that there must be peace and quietness. He doesn’t want a lot, just a little appreciation and peaceful evenings on his cozy couch. When he is in the zone and very upset about something, he will go “all out”. You must listen to all the stories, let him roar and complain. Afterwards, when this will all be out of his system, he will be his old self again. He encourages independence in people and corrects their errors but not to put them down but to show them how much he loves you. It is very hard to get in to his heart because his mind is constantly calculating, thinking and weighing the situation. When you do he might get scared and walk away. I hope that just for a while and that he will one day, out of the blue tell me that he wants to come see me. I have a strong feeling that there are good chances of reenacting again because there is a very strong bond between us. As I have noticed, he is very relaxed with me, so am I. That is very hard to find. Habit is one thing but feeling completely relaxed is another. I will fight for this because I know is worth it! If the only thing that is needed is time, I will give him time. Another thing I have learned about a Typical Virgo guy -They can organize anything except their own emotions. They need a distance in order to be emotionally connected.

"That"

Long time ago I knew. It was perfect. Lost at the end. I tried several options, maybe even better ones but at the end it was never even close to »that«. Almost a decade passed and I saw »that« somewhere... Before I realised, was there. Again I knew! Such a weird but marvelous gift. After some time, things are starting to appear, to show... Will I be able to handle it this time or will my »crabynes« and fast movement ruin it all? I am terrified of me on one side and scared of his reactions and feelings at the other hand. When I am alone, I am so powerful, can walk by life without a scratch. When it comes to »that«, I am extra careful and on the other hand so messy that I just fly. Everything happens with a reason. This also did. This time time will not show, no need for that. We will show. We are afraid of »the next step« but what actually is the next step? It's an illusion. The only step that matters is to feel food next to each other, no matter the situation. Learned that from all the journeys in my past life. He is worried about my steps in career, that bothers him a lot. I am sure that if I want something, I will get it! We are so compatible but he still frightens me. Why is that so?! His harsh comments, remarks, looks... Also sometimes I just feel it, feel the tension and then I just hide in my shell. He notices that and then I become numb. We are both so complex, weird and strange, that makes us unique and special. Love it that he absorbs everything, never forgets my wishes, makes my wishes his,... 

Enough...

I came to a point in my mind, where I just want to deny you. Deny your existence and the fact that I ever knew you, shared a bed with you and accepted your past. The thing with you is, the past is actually not in the past. It's happening now and it will happen in the future. All the things you caused me because of your lack of knowledge and stubbornness, all the things you deny... You disgust me. I should have listened and never even go near you, although you are very tempting. No wonder I am going to be marked all my life, not just me... My loved ones will hurt and also people who don't exist yet. When they told me this, I started to hate you. When it comes to me, I can handle it because I am too forgiving, but when it comes to my flesh and blood, you better disappear and hope I will never find you. You think that your ignorance is an excuse? It's not. I've told you how things are, you refuse to understand. You are always right, no consequences for you. They never are, are they? You will do the same to another person, with an excuse of not knowing anything, playing all innocent and missunderstood. The world is not there because of you. You are getting punished all your life for your lack of knowledge and stubbornness, I tried to open your eyes. On the surface, it looked like you can see, but inside, you're the same stupid bum with no future. At least you know what you had and will never have again in your entire life. So grab a brick and continue your pathetic life. Save every cent you have, god forbid calling the ones you hurt and ask how they are doing. Better spend it on your precious beer, maybe even pay one for your friend; who will most likely just walk by you tomorrow without saying a word. And you will feel all surprised again and hurt and need a »mother« to pamper you and hold you while you cry, of course without touching your hair. It's precious. Can't be ruined. For you, the most important thing is to look good and chic. Buy another mirror, admire yourself, waste your life away and never call me again.