It's fun… until it's not fun anymore…

Like they say, all the good things come to an end. I can feel you fading away in front of my eyes. There is nothing I can say or do to make you stay. When did this happen, where did »us« go? Every minute you seem further away from me, a shadow that fades away with time. I try to understand why, is it me or is it just you or it was all just an illusion in my head? We seemed to be perfect together, maybe it was all too good to be true. I pretended that everything is as it was and stuck to the reality I knew while my world was crashing in front of me. Confrontation is not an option at this time. If I say it out loud, it will become real so I keep my head down and let time pass. A wise woman said to us once:« Relationships are work every day.« We smiled and and didn't pay attention to it. I ask myself if it's all just for keeping up appearances or is there some love left in this story? I am trying to find a way to get to you, to get past this thick wall you built around yourself. We are so alike but so different in the same way. Go figure. My fear of loosing you is killing me and slowly damaging us and slowly I will loose you. Every word you say, every look and every glince at your face is killing me peace by piece. You have the power to destroy me with just one word. 

In a memory of my grandma

That morning I woke up with a certain pain in my chest and my stomach and mostly in my heart. Deep down I knew you are gone. I looked at the sky and just asked God or what ever force that exist, that you will be alright... but you were gone. You went at the time you always go to sleep every day, so do I for the past year. I drove to work that day with this pain in my heart and only two hours later I found out that you are gone. I did not know what pain and emptyness felt like untill you past away. They say that events like this make us stronger but I just don't know if I will be able to just live my life without you. You meant, mean the world to me! My pain is so deep that it cannot be described in a million words, not even poored out with a million tears. I have ran out of tears but I still wake up several times at night with the taught that you are gone and it is beyond imaginable. Your death was sudden and unexpected, it left us with a big hole in our hearts. You must know I will always be thinking of you and living my life the you would be proud of me as you always were. Thank you for all of your moments and for always being there for me. Now I feel alone. If I could just hold you one more time, it would be... I've come to realize that for me grief is like a foreign object stuck in my heart. It has become a part of me. Loss has changed the way I look at life. 

Different

For the first time in my life I can't really say how it started and how it happened. It just did and it was all just nothing untill you made that decisive move that I know you are still not aware of and you didn't have the slightest idea what you just did. After the move my brain switched into another dimension, where the rest of the world doesn't exist. From that moment on, you are all I can think of. You fascinated me with your charm and I just want to stay with you in that house untill the snow melts again.

I keep running away from the life I've known before, I put a fake smile, fake routine and just pursue my destiny. Just the thought of a decision kills me. Maybe it's meant to be like this. Can you love two people at the same time? Is this just a reaction to his flaws and dissapointing performance from the last couple of months or is this really something I crawe, want or maybe even need?

The Gap

There is a great gap between us. I feel anger, despair, emptiness and no way out or nothing to keep us together. We used to have this amazing unbreakable connection between us. No one could enter our world... and then everything went blank and we woke up, knowing that we have this empty gap in our lives. Were things just momentary and honest, true in that point and time or were they just an illusion to create our own world in our heads where no one could enter or even know it ever existed... No one would believe it, even we didn't. It was magical, unforgetable and full of feelings; it was maybe even unrepeatable... Was it really? Could we achieve the same state with just... fresh air? I think we couldn't. We allowed ourselves to taste everything that it has to offer for the price no usual person could take and live with. We are left with great destruction of ourselves and torturing all the people around us. Will we ever be the same? Will it ever be? Imagine that some period of your life just dissapears and you are left with regret, bitterness in your soul and some blury memmories. You have to start over but nothing feels right and you just can't see the point in it. Time flies, i go back and forth... it gets better day by day, then it  hits me again. I calm down a bit, think it over and start again... day after day.
Will you come back? Will the person I have known for years ever come back and tell me a nasty joke and then just laughed at it like it was nothing? I yearn for that look in your eyes when you first kissed me and the things I felt. We just clicked in one moment and it started. It never stopped. I think it never will. It was so good so we spiced it up a bit, that is what tore us apart and left this empty feeling that there is no hope. Even if we go on our seperate ways, there is still no hope. We tend to stay together and survive.
Then there is a question; was it worth it? I will always say it was. Will it happen anyway? It probobly would but our way was unique, special and no words can describe it. 

About the "Manual"...

Lost. Confused. Sad. That is what happened here. No clue how, when and on what way did I come here?! With these people you have a clear YES or a even clearer NO. Like with “us”, just that I know for the first second, they need time to analyze the situation. When there is a YES, they would do anything for you, note with perfection. If there is a NO, they would cut you off in one second. I have lived both reactions, unfortunately can’t deal with the second one. This is a very special person, cold on the outside but with the right actions his soft side can be discovered. Very funny guy, he is in need of safety as well and affection. Like a little child, he would lie in your arms and let you pet him for as long as you want. Just that there must be peace and quietness. He doesn’t want a lot, just a little appreciation and peaceful evenings on his cozy couch. When he is in the zone and very upset about something, he will go “all out”. You must listen to all the stories, let him roar and complain. Afterwards, when this will all be out of his system, he will be his old self again. He encourages independence in people and corrects their errors but not to put them down but to show them how much he loves you. It is very hard to get in to his heart because his mind is constantly calculating, thinking and weighing the situation. When you do he might get scared and walk away. I hope that just for a while and that he will one day, out of the blue tell me that he wants to come see me. I have a strong feeling that there are good chances of reenacting again because there is a very strong bond between us. As I have noticed, he is very relaxed with me, so am I. That is very hard to find. Habit is one thing but feeling completely relaxed is another. I will fight for this because I know is worth it! If the only thing that is needed is time, I will give him time. Another thing I have learned about a Typical Virgo guy -They can organize anything except their own emotions. They need a distance in order to be emotionally connected.

"That"

Long time ago I knew. It was perfect. Lost at the end. I tried several options, maybe even better ones but at the end it was never even close to »that«. Almost a decade passed and I saw »that« somewhere... Before I realised, was there. Again I knew! Such a weird but marvelous gift. After some time, things are starting to appear, to show... Will I be able to handle it this time or will my »crabynes« and fast movement ruin it all? I am terrified of me on one side and scared of his reactions and feelings at the other hand. When I am alone, I am so powerful, can walk by life without a scratch. When it comes to »that«, I am extra careful and on the other hand so messy that I just fly. Everything happens with a reason. This also did. This time time will not show, no need for that. We will show. We are afraid of »the next step« but what actually is the next step? It's an illusion. The only step that matters is to feel food next to each other, no matter the situation. Learned that from all the journeys in my past life. He is worried about my steps in career, that bothers him a lot. I am sure that if I want something, I will get it! We are so compatible but he still frightens me. Why is that so?! His harsh comments, remarks, looks... Also sometimes I just feel it, feel the tension and then I just hide in my shell. He notices that and then I become numb. We are both so complex, weird and strange, that makes us unique and special. Love it that he absorbs everything, never forgets my wishes, makes my wishes his,... 

Enough...

I came to a point in my mind, where I just want to deny you. Deny your existence and the fact that I ever knew you, shared a bed with you and accepted your past. The thing with you is, the past is actually not in the past. It's happening now and it will happen in the future. All the things you caused me because of your lack of knowledge and stubbornness, all the things you deny... You disgust me. I should have listened and never even go near you, although you are very tempting. No wonder I am going to be marked all my life, not just me... My loved ones will hurt and also people who don't exist yet. When they told me this, I started to hate you. When it comes to me, I can handle it because I am too forgiving, but when it comes to my flesh and blood, you better disappear and hope I will never find you. You think that your ignorance is an excuse? It's not. I've told you how things are, you refuse to understand. You are always right, no consequences for you. They never are, are they? You will do the same to another person, with an excuse of not knowing anything, playing all innocent and missunderstood. The world is not there because of you. You are getting punished all your life for your lack of knowledge and stubbornness, I tried to open your eyes. On the surface, it looked like you can see, but inside, you're the same stupid bum with no future. At least you know what you had and will never have again in your entire life. So grab a brick and continue your pathetic life. Save every cent you have, god forbid calling the ones you hurt and ask how they are doing. Better spend it on your precious beer, maybe even pay one for your friend; who will most likely just walk by you tomorrow without saying a word. And you will feel all surprised again and hurt and need a »mother« to pamper you and hold you while you cry, of course without touching your hair. It's precious. Can't be ruined. For you, the most important thing is to look good and chic. Buy another mirror, admire yourself, waste your life away and never call me again. 

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
- Evan Esar

...

It all started with a light although I don't even smoke regularly. There were two but I only noticed one. After a few run aways we finaly came back and stayed. Started to speak with the other guy finaly and realised that the pathern is continuing. I knew well how to handle it. Interesting how things turned out.  Never would expected it. And here I am with this calm and serious guy who I discover in a totally different light every day. He's like a cameleon. Could also be funny and adorable at times. He adjusts well at changes and hides a remarcable personality. On times can be preety scarry and gets you out of the blue with his look and just a word, folowed with a smile, which you can't tell is real or not. He makes his »jokes« so real and demanding, you want to stick your head in the ground. Afterwards you stay numb and try to figuire it out if it really sounded »like that« from your mouth, was he joking, am I really that offensive...? On the other hand he can be so harmless and adorable, gentle and carring. Still haven't discovered the wild side, if it even exist?! Most of all he has the smoothest and most adorable hands ever and he's also a bear.

Me&My Just Cavalli's...

Coincidence?

When it strikes, it strikes… Those words have really torn me apart from you forever. The part in me that had you, that had us, is gone. It's placed somewhere deep and can be brought to light only in the far future… I can't see the end of this tunnel. So far it is. Even though I come to an end, we can only shake hands and laugh at our jokes, we can never go back. It was too much for my shell to keep up with, the shell has cracked and now I have to give all my strength into putting it back into its original shape. Some parts are missing and I can't find them, maybe I never will…

And I just walk the streets, I walk and I don't think. It's cold but it feels so good, so free. It's silent, nobody's following me. I even find a nickel on the floor, and look another one a few blocks away. I get lost, I wonder in the night. I sleep, just sleep and dream of all the forgotten people and all that is gone. I never dream of existent people, they are too close, I guess. My subconsciousness brings all those names, faces, voices, up. Scary.

And I stop walking, stop sleeping and I just bump into you or should I say you two… You were there all along in the crowd; I spotted you the first day I stepped into the room. A quiet, handsome boy with a roguish expression on his face and with a mysterious personality. You were always so far away from me, we never talked. You were always quiet and never knew where we were. Like your thoughts were somewhere else. At the beginning, I knew you were one of »them«. Then months passed and we met again. You were late, I was on time… I was just staring at a chair or something, then you sat in it. And then it started… It had no end. Everything happened so quickly, there was another time… And again coincidences happen; we were forced to do something together. I came in a place that I could just imagine in my head. But no, there I was, just standing in there. It was different than I imagined, so nice and cozy. And he was so… He… And then »They« appeared in front of my face… It started. I don't know what happened, because nothing did or maybe everything did. At the moment it hit me hard, it hurt. I saw »Their« face in one of his pictures. It was like a flash. This goofy expression and that look. They are completely different but in that picture, it just hit me… Is it happening again? Would a sweet boy become a monster? I just stared in this picture… He said the sentence that hit me even more. He sees it all… And then was the silence, and then was the tease again… Tomorrow I will see…

Surrounded by »Them«… again… I crashed at this party and there he was, another member of »Their« crew… Just laughing and fighting about sports. It seems that he didn't see in front of him. But I guess he did… »They« see everything, collect impressions and never comment. You just have to know »Them« to figure it out. But that's impossible to be sure for real. They always have a plan B in their pocket. I left and thought I will never see him again. Another day came and he just fel in the room. And there we were, since that moment… I'm confused… Are »They« just a coincidence or are »they« really sticking on me and I will have to deal with »Them« for the rest of my life? Maybe »They« are my destiny?

Tuesday...

Over a year ago I would never think that if you wish for something so badly, can actually happen in any circumstances… There was one Sunday morning. I just stared at it. Just stared… And then it was the hardest part, to face the truth. There was one sad and rainy Tuesday. Everyone there had their own reason. Mine was the stupidest one. Life is not fair. It ended pretty quickly but I struggled until the end… I will never forgive this to myself, neither would you. I will keep you in my memory forever. You were mine for such a short time. I hope he can forgive me also, I think he can’t… it will always haunt us, all our lives… But life goes on for all the other people, nothing changed in the world. Nobody knows what pain I am facing, feeling of guilt, maybe bad judgments, listening to others… I think either way, I would decide, would be wrong. And here I am with my old life, passing exams which don’t show an end… He is facing it his way, no one knows how. Better not. And you, where are you?! Will there be another you, just you would have been? You are lost forever… This marks a person but this mark also make a person stronger and forces a person to come true his beliefs and accomplish all goals… just to run away from it, to prove on other life areas… 

A lot has changed since I have came back. I realized that I am enough and I am perfect the way I am. I don’t need anyone, what use are false friends? People notice that very quickly and they become to wonder how I can make it. I am happy to be with myself and by myself in our apartment. It is peaceful, calm… Only me and my happiness. I have tried to become invisible in different situations so I can avoid being noticed. These defense mechanisms may serve me for a while until I gather all the energy and heal myself, to be able to come out of my shell again. This time can take a while. After it, I will run away again and delay with reality for a little while longer.

Cute sweet and reliable VS misterious handsome and dangerous

I meet you in a strange surcomstances... but we managed to get in touch, you swept me of my feet with a nice car, fancy clothes, gorgeous charm... And then I went away for a long time without any promises. But we stayed in touch, you always answered so misteriously that I stayed interested... I am looking for an answer for 8 months now... I was living with memories of just one week for three months and then I entered this bar and there was he, cute, handsome and mischievous. I was numb, shy and just stood there. I just wanted you to take me somewhere without any words and… Now I am living a peacefull life with you, I thaught that you can't show your masculine side. But I am happy that you did. Now I know I have a kitten who can transform into a lion if I made you... Only I can make you to show your pride and power. And here I am, in your arms... then comes a day when I remember my country, my music and my culture and of course the handsome misterious guy, for who I know that doesn't bring permanent and solid life... Only occasional “heaven”. I know I can’t expect that you will change and see only me, that's why I’ve chosen other life… 

I don't want to hurt you...

I stepped in this place on an unusual time on an unusual night. There you were, there I was. When I saw you, everything stopped. I was numb. I couldn't think. I didn't say a word, I hide myself under my hat. You were there, just there... smiling at me. We stayed like this for maybe an hour, it seemed forever. Then I just went to the other side of the place, I sat and I could see you among all these people... Smiling and just being you, without pretending... It lasted for a while, without saying any word. Then I went out in a rush, you grabbed my hand and went with me wherever I am going. And there we were, dancing. I was asking myself all the time, what just happened. I am just here and you are here... because of me... Then it lasted days for you to realize what happened. I didn't do anything, I waited. And when you did, it started... You were always there, always with me. You made me happy, we were just there without thinking of s future together. We said it will last until it will and then we go our separate ways. And I went away for a long time, you were waiting for me. I was confused. I did some stupid things, I will always regret. I cannot forgive myself for it. I didn't allow myself to let you in my life, my heart and my head. Then I came back, I was waiting for this moment for such a long time. When I saw you, I couldn't do anything. Only cry. I still don't know why, what happened. And so I cried all night. In the first week I couldn't accept you, you wanted to reach me, I pushed you away... every time. Then one day, I just could love again and it was perfect. I still don't understand, I am asking myself every day what happened. After a while you start to reveal your wishes with me, about me and... I felt strange, I couldn't realize it, couldn't respond to it. I was confused. What now? What is going on? I was so afraid of you, of me, of everything... Then we started to live together and it was magical. I thought it will be hard, different... it wasn't. It felt right. After a while it all felt right, i feel you could be the father of my children. We both have the same wish but I am just afraid of it all, afraid to make this decision. Everything can change in a glance, can it? How will we manage, where will we live? My family, yours, ours? But we will sort it out somehow... and then when you did the most beautiful thing in the world, I just couldn't handle it. I pushed you away again. I knew that it will kill you inside if I say this, do an action... and I did it in front of you. You just... didn't say anything. Cried. I am so sorry, I don't want to hurt you. But I don't want to hurt me to. I don't know if I can handle it, if I am strong enough for this now... or ever... I know I can make you the happiest person on this planet and the most miserable one in just one minute. I don't know why and how I hurt you every time, where is this coming? Am I taking revenge to someone else? It is not your fault, I am somehow protecting myself this way. You are paying for the damage that someone else caused. But this time I am afraid of me, it is all in my hands. You will stay as you are, you are not changing even though I am always expecting some unexpected change, which never appears. You are always the same, here for me, with me and just with me and for me.

Me in Porto...

My shoes...

Me in the telephone booth...

What?

What is real, this life or life back home? Or neither of them? Every night the same lost feeling. Every night I want to just go on to that balcony and just watch the same view of this city. Why? What is there? Back home, I do the same. Night, silence, dark and none. Just me, thinking… What changed? Nothing, it's the same. What is my purpose? At home, I am so occupied with every day routine that I don't notice this. Here, here it's just me and only me. And they are right, I don't know what I want. When I have it, I want it gone. When it's gone, I want it back. Every day hoping to get this… I never get it. Why? The answer is in me. Because »this« doesn't exist, it's just me hoping for something that is not really what I want… and years go by. I am older. My school will be finished soon, my career built. What than, what happens after that? Job, steady payment. And after achieving all that, I still want to go to that balcony and look down and ask myself what comes next, where am I, what do I want? Than comes morning, everything is OK again, I somehow laugh through the day. And since I'm here, I have changed. I think I have, but actually I was the same before, just didn't have the time to see it. I am thinking, saying myself, I miss you. When you are here, I don't feel nothing. Just a urge, need to feel good. When this is over, you are still there. I don't feel anything. I don't want you to go, but when you went, I felt good. I felt relaxed, I could sleep and wake up calm. You couldn't sleep with me also, maybe there is a good reason for that. And again we are going in the past, I could only sleep relaxed with one person. All other was just a illusion of that. I forgot you, when I close my eyes, I don't picture your image. You are meaningless for me, but the feeling remains. The feeling I felt, when I laid my head on your chest. I want to feel this again but first I have to let it go, start over.

Nothing but everything...

When you came in to my life, I was not sure. I wanted my daily routine and I shot you away very badly. But after a few days, I realised it could be kind of nice. Though it was too late, the damage was done. Silently, you changed completely before my eyes. It's cold… so cold. Every time I look at you, I feel empty, your face has no expression. You shut me off with every single part of you. I don't feel pain. I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. I can't cry, I stay numb and just go, go far away from you. You are so close, yet so far away. I can smell you, but it's not real, it's not you. And then the next day you sweep me off my feet with just one »right« look, one word and one smile. You are very clever, you know exactly what you are doing and you know how much it takes to get my attention, and when. And then she comes, she just needs a shoulder to cry on. You need an audience. Then I step aside and go. And than messaging, why? It's simple; I can go away in one second. Just don't do one thing and think another. And again, when everything happened… I realize »they« are here again, and again and… When will it be over? Why only »them«? And I always make the same »mistakes«, they respond differently every time. Nobody understands, not even me. And then when we forget all this for a short moment, it's unbelievable… You are mine, just mine. You are happy, I am happy. But just until… until you change again. Then it all goes to nothing, everything we had. Never existed. We are not even friends, just two people in the same room. I must step back, go away… But I can't, I live for just a few good moments.

Again...

I was careful… very careful. I swore to myself that I will never fall for one of »them« again. I kept this avoidance for over a year. And then, in a moment of weakness, the moment I really needed it, I let myself go and everything happened in a second. At the beginning it wasn't as I wanted but in a couple of moments, he became just the person I wanted. It was similar to… I have let my self go and enjoyed every second of it but in my subconscious, I knew that when I leave this room, everything will be forgotten and my life will continue from the moment I stepped through that door. I had no expectations at all but still when I looked in your eyes, they were so sincere and you were just mine for that single moment. When we said goodbye, it seemed like you are happy, want to… But still, I knew the end of this story. Was it just a fun ride for you or was it a mistake or maybe it didn't even happen? I will never get the answer… Used to that, being in the dark with »them«…