Pancakes and Me...

Nonexistent Disasters in My Head

Life. It's not so complicated, you just have to live it. Why do I always make everything so hard and complicated for myself. Why!? Is that necessary? I'm angry at myself, not just angry, furious. My constant occupation and worrying about things that don't matter or even exist. Those things represent the biggest problem for me. I push people who I love the most away, now I know why. They are scared and terrified of me. I am scattered, unorganized and silly on first sight. It scares me, because I know that I'm the most organized, precise person I know on this planet. I can accommodate very easily and accept other people's ways of behavior. But on the other hand I'm really hard to handle I think. At this point, I think that this is the disadvantage of my Astrological sign "Cancer"; my sensitivity, my constant fear. I must always know that everything is alright. But the funniest thing is that I always know the right answer but don't trust myself and always push on the other hand and want to hear it from the others. Of course I never do, they get angry and call me a psycho. I just want to say that I'm really sorry to everyone I hurt with my silly and concerned behavior that doesn't suit me at all. I could be fun, loving and everything nice if you could just comfort me in »my days«. I'm trying to be better every day, I thrive but sometimes it carries me away…

When?

I was looking through some pictures today on Facebook and I realized that everybody seems so happy. They all »share« their happiness with us. And I see these couples, they're all so happy, determined to stay together, to have kids… it's so nice. I'm so happy for them. I know it's not all like that, but I don't even have the pictures to fake it. They at least have that. With me everything always happens at one time. If there is happiness, I get confused and I feel too happy and I search for things behind that. I just simply can't believe it. I have that strange feeling that I'm constantly waiting for something. And at the end I'm waiting so long that when I get it, I'm numb. I can't talk. But He doesn't know that. I have so much things to say to Him but I simply can't. Maybe I'm afraid of His response. Will He understand, do I understand? Will He get angry? Am I on the right path in life? There are so many thing I would like to tell Him and I think He wants that too. He loves to hear my voice and maybe He's avoiding it because it''s easier that way. I know it is for me. I have that feeling that He stores me somewhere and does a million of other things instead, to keep him in track. He never stops. So I could wait forever… Everybody's got it! Even ugly people got it. I'm still stuck here…

Meaningless...

We have the same life. We wake up in the morning, we wake up thinking. Than we eat our breakfast and just go somewhere. While doing that we also think about something other. It's always the thing that is killing us inside but we're not brave enough to just simply ask for the answer, or too scared of the truth. So we sleep, eat, drive, walk, sleep, eat… continously. And then some good things happen and we forget about everything. Then we walk again and see them together and we think all sorts of other things. Will they stay together forever or not, where they met and most of all, what does he see in her that I don't have? Than you wonder why he's talking in such a meaningless tone with you, why can't She look into his eyes? He has that strange energy that is unknown for Her. And than there are the other two. He loves her, she doesn't love him, but still has him for fun and when she needs comfort. He is there, always. 

And then ther's Her, just a person who crashed from nowhere with a stack of problems. She's gone and They stay alone. They have no trouble getting along, like They've known each other for years. They like to feel close, it's that feeling She's been missing for a long time. It's nice. Than he calls, She goes and sees him after a long time. She's nervous, so is he, for no reason. They just drive and come to the place She loved the most. Everything's the same. Even he's the same but She can't… 

Then They go back and She can't believe it. Back there, he cooked Her lunch. It was great, she was late again because of work and her new boyfriend. She sees he suffers, he still loves her. We go out to party and She's searching for his face everywhere. She automatically looks up somewhere and there it is. Like he's still here. Tears just start to fall all by themselves. People start to worry, only she knows what's wrong. She smiles the entire time, but the tears keep falling. He doesn't do anything. She doesn't care. She meets his ex-girlfriend, She doesn't care. It's not worth it, it was not it. She just cares about the »face« in her…

She goes home. Like nothing has changed, She doesn't feel anything. She's the same with no guilt or shame. They don't know. Nobody knows, just Her! And that's the greatest feeling ever. To do something and keep it to your self. It's just yours.

Interesting dream I say…

"They"...

You can tell by the way he walks, talks like he rules the world, you can see in his eyes that he's still my boy. I knew it all this time, but I didn't want to know it, I wanted to convince myself that I'm wrong but I guess intuition is stronger than every word.

Actually, there's two of them, always fighting for attention. But that day there was only one, the other one stayed home or maybe he was there all the time… I could feel »them« both, I never wanted just one of them. They are »it« together. I think the other one has that goofy smile… »They« can surprise you in every moment, of course surprises can be good and bad. Once »they« enjoy your company, »they« are madly into you and another day »they« don't even wan't to know you. That's what it seems on the outside. Inside I know that »they« are always with me in »their« thoughts, so there's no need to worry. It can occur that »they« will call you late that night and tell you that they love you or just simply miss you. That's the nicest thing »they« do together…

With »them« all you need is patience, a lot of it. With questions and complaints, you just push them away. »Their« feeling changes from hour to hour. Mood swings are very often so you must always be prepared. »They« will come to you when they will want to or they will give themselves time. You just need to let it. »They« always do the right thing, but not that moment, a lot later… But it's done right!

Studying for my almost last exam...

Surprises?!

I made a hole in the ground and I stuck all my thoughts, wants and beliefs in it. I don't live or plan my life on long terms anymore - I just live! I never cry, I'm never sad, cause every time I want to shed a tear, I remember my hole in the ground and put it there… And it actually works! I don't think about anything else but my daily obligations. Life became easier. I am doing the things I would normally not take time for and thought they are meaningless. I even offered to babysit one of my grandmom's friend's 9 month old little boy. It was fun, we were alone all day and he fall in love with me in just an hour. 

Life is full of surprises. I am more and more surprised every day. My lawyer even flirted with me the other day and offered me a job - who would think that?! I'm lost again, back to the little boy… He really made me happy today, he caressed me once. It was so cute and real. We even made his mom jealous a little, isn't that something?! I am hoping that I will have my own bundles of joy soon… Who knows?! Life is full of surprises. Maybe staring at the moon brings you one… Besides the hole in the ground, I kept my sixth sense for one particular person who surprised me today (again). At first I was sick (the symptoms are not usually so obvious) and then something told me that I should check my blog. I check my blog once in a while, when I remember and when I have time or when the computer is available (almost never). I realized that I don't actually know this person and I never will, maybe 'cause I didn't have the time or didn't pay attention or didn't want to see it or because he is constantly changing. He is always one step ahead of me. For God's sakes, I didn't even know he reads my stuff and I'm still shocked that he writes in English and he made only one mistake. But he is trying to prove his point again, that's how I know him. And that guy with a goofy smile really has one and I think that I will never meet a guy with a more goofier smile than his. It's impossible. And what he doesn't know… The goofy smile was the »thing«. If it weren't for a goofy smile, it would just be a likable person you meet and forget in a day. I think I don't even know myself that well. I've changed through people. I don't go to old places and bring up the memories and feel the gross feeling of sorrow. I avoid that. I don't even ride on the street that you live 'cause if I do, I drive pass your window and if the curtains are up means you are awake, if they're down, you are asleep. That's that. That's how I know you, I know just the »curtain routine«. That's sad. And I hold up to that, I hold up to the curtain level?! Even if I don't think about you, the curtains remind me. And my brains don't get the signal: »Oh look, he's got the curtains up«. They get the signal:«He's awake at this hour on a weekend, what an idiot. Sleep!«. I drive to work and I'm half asleep and he's awake I think. My philosophy is:«Sleep as long as you can!«. And he's is: »Don't waste a day by sleeping!« See?! Here's the main difference on viewing life. 

Anyway I'm surprised every day, in a bad and sometimes in a good way and today I don't know how anymore. Something in the middle but definitely positively! I guess, life surprises us when we at least expect it...