Me&My Lancia Y...

Skiing...

Dates...

We are marked with dates, numbers in every step that we make. Each number has a special meaning, it takes us to s place in the past. Even though we are not paying attention to them, we are somehow reminded. Years mark us, our age becomes more and more exposed. We are forced to follow the pattern of others before us. We can't follow our age anymore but we keep on aging. The expectations are high and so close to our age but the looks resist to this pattern. We are still asked to show some ID, to prove the world we can use some privileges. They are all astonished when they look up the numbers. Than they check you out again, they check the picture and they make comments, unnecessary comments in their defense.

I see this people, they all have »it« all figured out, they are already settled. Than I look at myself. Where am I, what do I have? I have myself and that's all. They all have a special someone in their life, the one, they come to when they are sad, spend their evenings with or even fight over meaningless things. I had it all, it was a long time ago. The time was not right, again numbers. My age was not acceptable, his mind was not there yet. But is it now? No, it will never be. We stayed the same, times have changed but we haven't. We are the same people with a little more experience. Than I hardly picked up myself from the ground and I feel even deeper. I feel so deep that I don't know if I will ever fully stand on my feet again and forget all about it. There were also numbers involved, our mothers brought us into this world on a date that means something. Our astrological sign marks us forever and we can't change that. We can have certain habits but the character is routed in us for good. The dates will always remind me of it. Numbers are immortal. They pass from generation to generation and never die. They are written everywhere. We live our lives for numbers and the way they want. We celebrate holidays when the calendar tells us, we eat when the clock says we can, we wake up when the numbers turn to the number we set it to, we give the amount of money as it says on the label… The numbers have no end.

Can there be an end if there were no beginning?

We were just there and it just happened, all of a sudden. Right out of the blue, you just let yourself to me. Always smiling, self conscious and taking everything momentarily and as it is… I keep forgetting that you are one of »Them«… Scary, weird but… It seems that you are watching the happening from the distance just passing on some comments and making remarks about every fifth word I say. You have the ability to squeeze me in the corner with just one word, sometimes even the word is not needed. I have you just there, just than, but when I'm gone, everything is gone. Just like nothing ever happened or even less than that. You became just a pretty face again and I continue with my life as it was a month ago. And than you surprise me again, I'm happy but concerned. I have never met someone like you before, even »He« is not so complicated and calm. Maybe I'm just a threat and you are afraid too, maybe it's all just a game for you, maybe it never happened or maybe it has no beginning and therefore no end? Al those questions. Why? When? If? Would? Will? Why do we need them? I'm feeling strangely well for a quite long time now, it's not a happy »well« but just a strange »well« I'm experiencing for the first time. I can just say I am living. Not looking over my shoulder, not looking back, just living, not even looking forward. That's bad in a way, I must take matters in my own hands and handle life and everything what it brings… I'm not even sure if there was a beginning, can I expect an end or there never were a beginning to start with? Can we have a beginning without an end and an end with no beginning? Will we ever be on the same frequency? You've creped under my skin, I can't help it. Every time I see a boy with fuzzy hair and a smile, I feel a strange feeling in my stomach. Or even when I see a stubby one in a red shirt… Another feeling comes. Scary one. I'm afraid to face »him« again, it's easier to never come near again.

Coincidence?

When it strikes, it strikes… Those words have really torn me apart from you forever. The part in me that had you, that had us, is gone. It's placed somewhere deep and can be brought to light only in the far future… I can't see the end of this tunnel. So far it is. Even though I come to an end, we can only shake hands and laugh at our jokes, we can never go back. It was too much for my shell to keep up with, the shell has cracked and now I have to give all my strength into putting it back into its original shape. Some parts are missing and I can't find them, maybe I never will…

And I just walk the streets, I walk and I don't think. It's cold but it feels so good, so free. It's silent, nobody's following me. I even find a nickel on the floor, and look another one a few blocks away. I get lost, I wonder in the night. I sleep, just sleep and dream of all the forgotten people and all that is gone. I never dream of existent people, they are too close, I guess. My subconsciousness brings all those names, faces, voices, up. Scary.

And I stop walking, stop sleeping and I just bump into you or should I say you two… You were there all along in the crowd; I spotted you the first day I stepped into the room. A quiet, handsome boy with a roguish expression on his face and with a mysterious personality. You were always so far away from me, we never talked. You were always quiet and never knew where we were. Like your thoughts were somewhere else. At the beginning, I knew you were one of »them«. Then months passed and we met again. You were late, I was on time… I was just staring at a chair or something, then you sat in it. And then it started… It had no end. Everything happened so quickly, there was another time… And again coincidences happen; we were forced to do something together. I came in a place that I could just imagine in my head. But no, there I was, just standing in there. It was different than I imagined, so nice and cozy. And he was so… He… And then »They« appeared in front of my face… It started. I don't know what happened, because nothing did or maybe everything did. At the moment it hit me hard, it hurt. I saw »Their« face in one of his pictures. It was like a flash. This goofy expression and that look. They are completely different but in that picture, it just hit me… Is it happening again? Would a sweet boy become a monster? I just stared in this picture… He said the sentence that hit me even more. He sees it all… And then was the silence, and then was the tease again… Tomorrow I will see…

Surrounded by »Them«… again… I crashed at this party and there he was, another member of »Their« crew… Just laughing and fighting about sports. It seems that he didn't see in front of him. But I guess he did… »They« see everything, collect impressions and never comment. You just have to know »Them« to figure it out. But that's impossible to be sure for real. They always have a plan B in their pocket. I left and thought I will never see him again. Another day came and he just fel in the room. And there we were, since that moment… I'm confused… Are »They« just a coincidence or are »they« really sticking on me and I will have to deal with »Them« for the rest of my life? Maybe »They« are my destiny?

Change of Plans...

I've changed my plan… I'm gonna finish this college, graduate and find a job. Maybe then I will stay home for a while… Then I will enter the world I always wanted, I'll buy an attic apartment with windows without curtains. I'll place some shades. The walls will be white and maybe some of them can be green and all covered with a gallery of photos of the people I love in my life and the things I'm interested in. It will be cozy and roomy. I wish for a big non-squeaking bed in the middle of the room and a big wardrobe for all my clothes to fit. The kitchen must be small, but nice, the living room can be big, but cozy. I want a big screen tv and a good stereo. I want to come home to a house where all my pets will run towards the door when they hear my steps and a key in the lock. My roommates will definitely be just my pets, my dog,  a cat and rabbit and of course my turtle. I want to have my own computer and spend evenings in peace and quiet while petting my pets. I will cook pasta every day, maybe a lasagna some day. It's all I want and it's only mine…

The Wall...

And here it is: this blank paper in front of me all week long… I write a sentence or two and I stop. I have the same sentence repeating in my head. It prevented me to write again. My head is full, but my thoughts are numb. The words were just too strong the other day. Every word I write, the thought of someone else, especially him, would go through... it scares me. But he gets every line. He gets everything from the distance and stays hidden and quiet. He accompanies every move I make in silence. I feel followed everywhere I go no matter in what relationship or connection we are. He's just there. For how long? How long does it take to go away? But then the words are stronger than my perception and I just know I have to go away, far far away… I don't want anything new, don't want to remember those words, but they will stay there all my life. Every word has since today. Everything what have I built in years, everything good I did, every word that has been spoken, it's all gone. All forgotten and covered with hate and disregard. There is no more trust, even no more hope. I know in one way that all of this isn't totally true, but there is a big, strong wall between us and we can't go throw, pass it or climb it. We can just talk to a person on the other side and move one brick at one time. It takes time to cross a wall so thick and it takes courage and character. The move is not on me, it is on the person on the other side. I can't hold the whole burden on my self… I need to think of myself sometimes. I realized in all this that nobody can help you in this life, all you do, you have to do it yourself. When you stick to it, you can be proud of yourself and never feel sorry for everything you have done in your life. The greatest achievement in life is that you are proud of who you are and what have you accomplished in life. When you have this feeling, you win. You have everything. I hope someday they all will appreciate everything I've done for them, or in general. I don't want to take credit for anything, but those people will know one day, they will know it all. For me, I know everything now, but can't do anything about it. The wall is too thick, so many bricks I can't see the end of it… If I could just look into your eyes, the wall would suddenly collapse. But I can't, you don't let me. You don't let yourself. In this case, time doesn't heal the wounds. I know it, I've tried it. It doesn't change a thing. You're still there, all the time.