Enough...

I came to a point in my mind, where I just want to deny you. Deny your existence and the fact that I ever knew you, shared a bed with you and accepted your past. The thing with you is, the past is actually not in the past. It's happening now and it will happen in the future. All the things you caused me because of your lack of knowledge and stubbornness, all the things you deny... You disgust me. I should have listened and never even go near you, although you are very tempting. No wonder I am going to be marked all my life, not just me... My loved ones will hurt and also people who don't exist yet. When they told me this, I started to hate you. When it comes to me, I can handle it because I am too forgiving, but when it comes to my flesh and blood, you better disappear and hope I will never find you. You think that your ignorance is an excuse? It's not. I've told you how things are, you refuse to understand. You are always right, no consequences for you. They never are, are they? You will do the same to another person, with an excuse of not knowing anything, playing all innocent and missunderstood. The world is not there because of you. You are getting punished all your life for your lack of knowledge and stubbornness, I tried to open your eyes. On the surface, it looked like you can see, but inside, you're the same stupid bum with no future. At least you know what you had and will never have again in your entire life. So grab a brick and continue your pathetic life. Save every cent you have, god forbid calling the ones you hurt and ask how they are doing. Better spend it on your precious beer, maybe even pay one for your friend; who will most likely just walk by you tomorrow without saying a word. And you will feel all surprised again and hurt and need a »mother« to pamper you and hold you while you cry, of course without touching your hair. It's precious. Can't be ruined. For you, the most important thing is to look good and chic. Buy another mirror, admire yourself, waste your life away and never call me again. 

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
- Evan Esar

...

It all started with a light although I don't even smoke regularly. There were two but I only noticed one. After a few run aways we finaly came back and stayed. Started to speak with the other guy finaly and realised that the pathern is continuing. I knew well how to handle it. Interesting how things turned out.  Never would expected it. And here I am with this calm and serious guy who I discover in a totally different light every day. He's like a cameleon. Could also be funny and adorable at times. He adjusts well at changes and hides a remarcable personality. On times can be preety scarry and gets you out of the blue with his look and just a word, folowed with a smile, which you can't tell is real or not. He makes his »jokes« so real and demanding, you want to stick your head in the ground. Afterwards you stay numb and try to figuire it out if it really sounded »like that« from your mouth, was he joking, am I really that offensive...? On the other hand he can be so harmless and adorable, gentle and carring. Still haven't discovered the wild side, if it even exist?! Most of all he has the smoothest and most adorable hands ever and he's also a bear.

Me&My Just Cavalli's...

Coincidence?

When it strikes, it strikes… Those words have really torn me apart from you forever. The part in me that had you, that had us, is gone. It's placed somewhere deep and can be brought to light only in the far future… I can't see the end of this tunnel. So far it is. Even though I come to an end, we can only shake hands and laugh at our jokes, we can never go back. It was too much for my shell to keep up with, the shell has cracked and now I have to give all my strength into putting it back into its original shape. Some parts are missing and I can't find them, maybe I never will…

And I just walk the streets, I walk and I don't think. It's cold but it feels so good, so free. It's silent, nobody's following me. I even find a nickel on the floor, and look another one a few blocks away. I get lost, I wonder in the night. I sleep, just sleep and dream of all the forgotten people and all that is gone. I never dream of existent people, they are too close, I guess. My subconsciousness brings all those names, faces, voices, up. Scary.

And I stop walking, stop sleeping and I just bump into you or should I say you two… You were there all along in the crowd; I spotted you the first day I stepped into the room. A quiet, handsome boy with a roguish expression on his face and with a mysterious personality. You were always so far away from me, we never talked. You were always quiet and never knew where we were. Like your thoughts were somewhere else. At the beginning, I knew you were one of »them«. Then months passed and we met again. You were late, I was on time… I was just staring at a chair or something, then you sat in it. And then it started… It had no end. Everything happened so quickly, there was another time… And again coincidences happen; we were forced to do something together. I came in a place that I could just imagine in my head. But no, there I was, just standing in there. It was different than I imagined, so nice and cozy. And he was so… He… And then »They« appeared in front of my face… It started. I don't know what happened, because nothing did or maybe everything did. At the moment it hit me hard, it hurt. I saw »Their« face in one of his pictures. It was like a flash. This goofy expression and that look. They are completely different but in that picture, it just hit me… Is it happening again? Would a sweet boy become a monster? I just stared in this picture… He said the sentence that hit me even more. He sees it all… And then was the silence, and then was the tease again… Tomorrow I will see…

Surrounded by »Them«… again… I crashed at this party and there he was, another member of »Their« crew… Just laughing and fighting about sports. It seems that he didn't see in front of him. But I guess he did… »They« see everything, collect impressions and never comment. You just have to know »Them« to figure it out. But that's impossible to be sure for real. They always have a plan B in their pocket. I left and thought I will never see him again. Another day came and he just fel in the room. And there we were, since that moment… I'm confused… Are »They« just a coincidence or are »they« really sticking on me and I will have to deal with »Them« for the rest of my life? Maybe »They« are my destiny?

Tuesday...

Over a year ago I would never think that if you wish for something so badly, can actually happen in any circumstances… There was one Sunday morning. I just stared at it. Just stared… And then it was the hardest part, to face the truth. There was one sad and rainy Tuesday. Everyone there had their own reason. Mine was the stupidest one. Life is not fair. It ended pretty quickly but I struggled until the end… I will never forgive this to myself, neither would you. I will keep you in my memory forever. You were mine for such a short time. I hope he can forgive me also, I think he can’t… it will always haunt us, all our lives… But life goes on for all the other people, nothing changed in the world. Nobody knows what pain I am facing, feeling of guilt, maybe bad judgments, listening to others… I think either way, I would decide, would be wrong. And here I am with my old life, passing exams which don’t show an end… He is facing it his way, no one knows how. Better not. And you, where are you?! Will there be another you, just you would have been? You are lost forever… This marks a person but this mark also make a person stronger and forces a person to come true his beliefs and accomplish all goals… just to run away from it, to prove on other life areas… 

A lot has changed since I have came back. I realized that I am enough and I am perfect the way I am. I don’t need anyone, what use are false friends? People notice that very quickly and they become to wonder how I can make it. I am happy to be with myself and by myself in our apartment. It is peaceful, calm… Only me and my happiness. I have tried to become invisible in different situations so I can avoid being noticed. These defense mechanisms may serve me for a while until I gather all the energy and heal myself, to be able to come out of my shell again. This time can take a while. After it, I will run away again and delay with reality for a little while longer.

Cute sweet and reliable VS misterious handsome and dangerous

I meet you in a strange surcomstances... but we managed to get in touch, you swept me of my feet with a nice car, fancy clothes, gorgeous charm... And then I went away for a long time without any promises. But we stayed in touch, you always answered so misteriously that I stayed interested... I am looking for an answer for 8 months now... I was living with memories of just one week for three months and then I entered this bar and there was he, cute, handsome and mischievous. I was numb, shy and just stood there. I just wanted you to take me somewhere without any words and… Now I am living a peacefull life with you, I thaught that you can't show your masculine side. But I am happy that you did. Now I know I have a kitten who can transform into a lion if I made you... Only I can make you to show your pride and power. And here I am, in your arms... then comes a day when I remember my country, my music and my culture and of course the handsome misterious guy, for who I know that doesn't bring permanent and solid life... Only occasional “heaven”. I know I can’t expect that you will change and see only me, that's why I’ve chosen other life…