When?

I was looking through some pictures today on Facebook and I realized that everybody seems so happy. They all »share« their happiness with us. And I see these couples, they're all so happy, determined to stay together, to have kids… it's so nice. I'm so happy for them. I know it's not all like that, but I don't even have the pictures to fake it. They at least have that. With me everything always happens at one time. If there is happiness, I get confused and I feel too happy and I search for things behind that. I just simply can't believe it. I have that strange feeling that I'm constantly waiting for something. And at the end I'm waiting so long that when I get it, I'm numb. I can't talk. But He doesn't know that. I have so much things to say to Him but I simply can't. Maybe I'm afraid of His response. Will He understand, do I understand? Will He get angry? Am I on the right path in life? There are so many thing I would like to tell Him and I think He wants that too. He loves to hear my voice and maybe He's avoiding it because it''s easier that way. I know it is for me. I have that feeling that He stores me somewhere and does a million of other things instead, to keep him in track. He never stops. So I could wait forever… Everybody's got it! Even ugly people got it. I'm still stuck here…

Meaningless...

We have the same life. We wake up in the morning, we wake up thinking. Than we eat our breakfast and just go somewhere. While doing that we also think about something other. It's always the thing that is killing us inside but we're not brave enough to just simply ask for the answer, or too scared of the truth. So we sleep, eat, drive, walk, sleep, eat… continously. And then some good things happen and we forget about everything. Then we walk again and see them together and we think all sorts of other things. Will they stay together forever or not, where they met and most of all, what does he see in her that I don't have? Than you wonder why he's talking in such a meaningless tone with you, why can't She look into his eyes? He has that strange energy that is unknown for Her. And than there are the other two. He loves her, she doesn't love him, but still has him for fun and when she needs comfort. He is there, always. 

And then ther's Her, just a person who crashed from nowhere with a stack of problems. She's gone and They stay alone. They have no trouble getting along, like They've known each other for years. They like to feel close, it's that feeling She's been missing for a long time. It's nice. Than he calls, She goes and sees him after a long time. She's nervous, so is he, for no reason. They just drive and come to the place She loved the most. Everything's the same. Even he's the same but She can't… 

Then They go back and She can't believe it. Back there, he cooked Her lunch. It was great, she was late again because of work and her new boyfriend. She sees he suffers, he still loves her. We go out to party and She's searching for his face everywhere. She automatically looks up somewhere and there it is. Like he's still here. Tears just start to fall all by themselves. People start to worry, only she knows what's wrong. She smiles the entire time, but the tears keep falling. He doesn't do anything. She doesn't care. She meets his ex-girlfriend, She doesn't care. It's not worth it, it was not it. She just cares about the »face« in her…

She goes home. Like nothing has changed, She doesn't feel anything. She's the same with no guilt or shame. They don't know. Nobody knows, just Her! And that's the greatest feeling ever. To do something and keep it to your self. It's just yours.

Interesting dream I say…