Tuesday, August 5, 2014

In a memory of my grandma

That morning I woke up with a certain pain in my chest and my stomach and mostly in my heart. Deep down I knew you are gone. I looked at the sky and just asked God or what ever force that exist, that you will be alright... but you were gone. You went at the time you always go to sleep every day, so do I for the past year. I drove to work that day with this pain in my heart and only two hours later I found out that you are gone. I did not know what pain and emptyness felt like untill you past away. They say that events like this make us stronger but I just don't know if I will be able to just live my life without you. You meant, mean the world to me! My pain is so deep that it cannot be described in a million words, not even poored out with a million tears. I have ran out of tears but I still wake up several times at night with the taught that you are gone and it is beyond imaginable. Your death was sudden and unexpected, it left us with a big hole in our hearts. You must know I will always be thinking of you and living my life the you would be proud of me as you always were. Thank you for all of your moments and for always being there for me. Now I feel alone. If I could just hold you one more time, it would be... I've come to realize that for me grief is like a foreign object stuck in my heart. It has become a part of me. Loss has changed the way I look at life. 

Sunday, February 9, 2014


For the first time in my life I can't really say how it started and how it happened. It just did and it was all just nothing untill you made that decisive move that I know you are still not aware of and you didn't have the slightest idea what you just did. After the move my brain switched into another dimension, where the rest of the world doesn't exist. From that moment on, you are all I can think of. You fascinated me with your charm and I just want to stay with you in that house untill the snow melts again.

I keep running away from the life I've known before, I put a fake smile, fake routine and just pursue my destiny. Just the thought of a decision kills me. Maybe it's meant to be like this. Can you love two people at the same time? Is this just a reaction to his flaws and dissapointing performance from the last couple of months or is this really something I crawe, want or maybe even need?