Friday, December 9, 2011

About the "Manual"...

Lost. Confused. Sad. That is what happened here. No clue how, when and on what way did I come here?! With these people you have a clear YES or a even clearer NO. Like with “us”, just that I know for the first second, they need time to analyze the situation. When there is a YES, they would do anything for you, note with perfection. If there is a NO, they would cut you off in one second. I have lived both reactions, unfortunately can’t deal with the second one. This is a very special person, cold on the outside but with the right actions his soft side can be discovered. Very funny guy, he is in need of safety as well and affection. Like a little child, he would lie in your arms and let you pet him for as long as you want. Just that there must be peace and quietness. He doesn’t want a lot, just a little appreciation and peaceful evenings on his cozy couch. When he is in the zone and very upset about something, he will go “all out”. You must listen to all the stories, let him roar and complain. Afterwards, when this will all be out of his system, he will be his old self again. He encourages independence in people and corrects their errors but not to put them down but to show them how much he loves you. It is very hard to get in to his heart because his mind is constantly calculating, thinking and weighing the situation. When you do he might get scared and walk away. I hope that just for a while and that he will one day, out of the blue tell me that he wants to come see me. I have a strong feeling that there are good chances of reenacting again because there is a very strong bond between us. As I have noticed, he is very relaxed with me, so am I. That is very hard to find. Habit is one thing but feeling completely relaxed is another. I will fight for this because I know is worth it! If the only thing that is needed is time, I will give him time. Another thing I have learned about a Typical Virgo guy -They can organize anything except their own emotionsThey need a distance in order to be emotionally connected.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Long time ago I knew. It was perfect. Lost at the end. I tried several options, maybe even better ones but at the end it was never even close to »that«. Almost a decade passed and I saw »that« somewhere... Before I realised, was there. Again I knew! Such a weird but marvelous gift. After some time, things are starting to appear, to show... Will I be able to handle it this time or will my »crabynes« and fast movement ruin it all? I am terrified of me on one side and scared of his reactions and feelings at the other hand. When I am alone, I am so powerful, can walk by life without a scratch. When it comes to »that«, I am extra careful and on the other hand so messy that I just fly. Everything happens with a reason. This also did. This time time will not show, no need for that. We will show. We are afraid of »the next step« but what actually is the next step? It's an illusion. The only step that matters is to feel food next to each other, no matter the situation. Learned that from all the journeys in my past life. He is worried about my steps in career, that bothers him a lot. I am sure that if I want something, I will get it! We are so compatible but he still frightens me. Why is that so?! His harsh comments, remarks, looks... Also sometimes I just feel it, feel the tension and then I just hide in my shell. He notices that and then I become numb. We are both so complex, weird and strange, that makes us unique and special. Love it that he absorbs everything, never forgets my wishes, makes my wishes his,... 

Saturday, June 18, 2011


I came to a point in my mind, where I just want to deny you. Deny your existence and the fact that I ever knew you, shared a bed with you and accepted your past. The thing with you is, the past is actually not in the past. It's happening now and it will happen in the future. All the things you caused me because of your lack of knowledge and stubbornness, all the things you deny... You disgust me. I should have listened and never even go near you, although you are very tempting. No wonder I am going to be marked all my life, not just me... My loved ones will hurt and also people who don't exist yet. When they told me this, I started to hate you. When it comes to me, I can handle it because I am too forgiving, but when it comes to my flesh and blood, you better disappear and hope I will never find you. You think that your ignorance is an excuse? It's not. I've told you how things are, you refuse to understand. You are always right, no consequences for you. They never are, are they? You will do the same to another person, with an excuse of not knowing anything, playing all innocent and missunderstood. The world is not there because of you. You are getting punished all your life for your lack of knowledge and stubbornness, I tried to open your eyes. On the surface, it looked like you can see, but inside, you're the same stupid bum with no future. At least you know what you had and will never have again in your entire life. So grab a brick and continue your pathetic life. Save every cent you have, god forbid calling the ones you hurt and ask how they are doing. Better spend it on your precious beer, maybe even pay one for your friend; who will most likely just walk by you tomorrow without saying a word. And you will feel all surprised again and hurt and need a »mother« to pamper you and hold you while you cry, of course without touching your hair. It's precious. Can't be ruined. For you, the most important thing is to look good and chic. Buy another mirror, admire yourself, waste your life away and never call me again. 
The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
- Evan Esar

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


It all started with a light although I don't even smoke regularly. There were two but I only noticed one. After a few run aways we finaly came back and stayed. Started to speak with the other guy finaly and realised that the pathern is continuing. I knew well how to handle it. Interesting how things turned out.  Never would expected it. And here I am with this calm and serious guy who I discover in a totally different light every day. He's like a cameleon. Could also be funny and adorable at times. He adjusts well at changes and hides a remarcable personality. On times can be preety scarry and gets you out of the blue with his look and just a word, folowed with a smile, which you can't tell is real or not. He makes his »jokes« so real and demanding, you want to stick your head in the ground. Afterwards you stay numb and try to figuire it out if it really sounded »like that« from your mouth, was he joking, am I really that offensive...? On the other hand he can be so harmless and adorable, gentle and carring. Still haven't discovered the wild side, if it even exist?! Most of all he has the smoothest and most adorable hands ever and he's also a bear.

Saturday, April 9, 2011


When it strikes, it strikes… Those words have really torn me apart from you forever. The part in me that had you, that had us, is gone. It's placed somewhere deep and can be brought to light only in the far future… I can't see the end of this tunnel. So far it is. Even though I come to an end, we can only shake hands and laugh at our jokes, we can never go back. It was too much for my shell to keep up with, the shell has cracked and now I have to give all my strength into putting it back into its original shape. Some parts are missing and I can't find them, maybe I never will…
And I just walk the streets, I walk and I don't think. It's cold but it feels so good, so free. It's silent, nobody's following me. I even find a nickel on the floor, and look another one a few blocks away. I get lost, I wonder in the night. I sleep, just sleep and dream of all the forgotten people and all that is gone. I never dream of existent people, they are too close, I guess. My subconsciousness brings all those names, faces, voices, up. Scary.
And I stop walking, stop sleeping and I just bump into you or should I say you two… You were there all along in the crowd; I spotted you the first day I stepped into the room. A quiet, handsome boy with a roguish expression on his face and with a mysterious personality. You were always so far away from me, we never talked. You were always quiet and never knew where we were. Like your thoughts were somewhere else. At the beginning, I knew you were one of »them«. Then months passed and we met again. You were late, I was on time… I was just staring at a chair or something, then you sat in it. And then it started… It had no end. Everything happened so quickly, there was another time… And again coincidences happen; we were forced to do something together. I came in a place that I could just imagine in my head. But no, there I was, just standing in there. It was different than I imagined, so nice and cozy. And he was so… He… And then »They« appeared in front of my face… It started. I don't know what happened, because nothing did or maybe everything did. At the moment it hit me hard, it hurt. I saw »Their« face in one of his pictures. It was like a flash. This goofy expression and that look. They are completely different but in that picture, it just hit me… Is it happening again? Would a sweet boy become a monster? I just stared in this picture… He said the sentence that hit me even more. He sees it all… And then was the silence, and then was the tease again… Tomorrow I will see…
Surrounded by »Them«… again… I crashed at this party and there he was, another member of »Their« crew… Just laughing and fighting about sports. It seems that he didn't see in front of him. But I guess he did… »They« see everything, collect impressions and never comment. You just have to know »Them« to figure it out. But that's impossible to be sure for real. They always have a plan B in their pocket. I left and thought I will never see him again. Another day came and he just fel in the room. And there we were, since that moment… I'm confused… Are »They« just a coincidence or are »they« really sticking on me and I will have to deal with »Them« for the rest of my life? Maybe »They« are my destiny?