Thursday, March 27, 2008
There are moments when I just wanna let go of everything, even on people I love. I just want them gone. But not because there's a problem with them, it's with me. If I don't feel »Me« than nobody else will feel me like »Me« either, so I back off and hide in my closet till the storm is over.
Being alone is the hardest thing at the beginning, but when a month passes you get used to it: just you and your thoughts. It's easier. But I choose the hardest path of them all to deal with my problems, disagreements, misunderstandings etc every day and then keep thinking “Why” for several days in a row. It solves itself in a day or so, but then something new comes.
It's getting used to being alone that's the hardest; laying in bed alone, eating alone, being happy and sad alone. And even when I get a small fraction of time to be together with someone I stay quiet – numb. The hardest, ugliest, grossest feeling is knowing that someone was in your bed yesterday at the exact same time near you, prepared to share his dreams with you and now it's empty. I have to close my eyes all alone and it terrifies me, and when I wake up in the morning I still have that feeling that I'm going to squeeze next to his warm body and sleep like that until I wake up again. It's a safe feeling; the nicest one in the world – to wake up in the morning next to somebody you love.
Does it sometimes happen to you that you feel a little down for no particular reason?! I do ... Why does it have to be like that?! Then it happens ... I was a good little girl all my life and I always knew what I was doing and why, always obeyed the rules and was afraid to look on the other side, stayed on the safe side of the road...
Did all my chores, studied hard to pass in school and than I just went to the bar, left my boyfriend somewhere without him knowing where I was, with his best friend and got deadly drunk. Got so drunk I hardly remember anything. It happened so fast ... How could that be?! I believe there was a reason behind it all. I wanted to get away from my usual routine just for a second and that is all what is needed with me: just one single moment and I am gone to the dark side. Maybe it was trust; I knew nothing could happen to me, he will always find me and carry me home safely. He would leave later, but I would be safe and sound. He could be mad at me, smash everything around me, but I would still feel safe, because he was there to catch me when I fall.
I still do not know how that happened, although I have a clue. I wanted to let go of everything for that moment and not think about the consequences. There were some repressed emotions accumulating for a long time and maybe they just “popped out”. Not a pleasant feeling, never want to do it again and I feel very sorry. Unfortunately, everybody else will read this but the person to whom this is dedicated.