Thursday, March 27, 2008

Letting Go...

There are moments when I just wanna let go of everything, even on people I love. I just want them gone. But not because there's a problem with them, it's with me. If I don't feel »Me« than nobody else will feel me like »Me« either, so I back off and hide in my closet till the storm is over.

Being alone is the hardest thing at the beginning, but when a month passes you get used to it: just you and your thoughts. It's easier. But I choose the hardest path of them all to deal with my problems, disagreements, misunderstandings etc every day and then keep thinking “Why” for several days in a row. It solves itself in a day or so, but then something new comes.

It's getting used to being alone that's the hardest; laying in bed alone, eating alone, being happy and sad alone. And even when I get a small fraction of time to be together with someone I stay quiet – numb. The hardest, ugliest, grossest feeling is knowing that someone was in your bed yesterday at the exact same time near you, prepared to share his dreams with you and now it's empty. I have to close my eyes all alone and it terrifies me, and when I wake up in the morning I still have that feeling that I'm going to squeeze next to his warm body and sleep like that until I wake up again. It's a safe feeling; the nicest one in the world – to wake up in the morning next to somebody you love.

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