Monday, November 24, 2008

The Wall...

And here it is: this blank paper in front of me all week long… I write a sentence or two and I stop. I have the same sentence repeating in my head. It prevented me to write again. My head is full, but my thoughts are numb. The words were just too strong the other day. Every word I write, the thought of someone else, especially him, would go through... it scares me. But he gets every line. He gets everything from the distance and stays hidden and quiet. He accompanies every move I make in silence. I feel followed everywhere I go no matter in what relationship or connection we are. He's just there. For how long? How long does it take to go away? But then the words are stronger than my perception and I just know I have to go away, far far away… I don't want anything new, don't want to remember those words, but they will stay there all my life. Every word has since today. Everything what have I built in years, everything good I did, every word that has been spoken, it's all gone. All forgotten and covered with hate and disregard. There is no more trust, even no more hope. I know in one way that all of this isn't totally true, but there is a big, strong wall between us and we can't go throw, pass it or climb it. We can just talk to a person on the other side and move one brick at one time. It takes time to cross a wall so thick and it takes courage and character. The move is not on me, it is on the person on the other side. I can't hold the whole burden on my self… I need to think of myself sometimes. I realized in all this that nobody can help you in this life, all you do, you have to do it yourself. When you stick to it, you can be proud of yourself and never feel sorry for everything you have done in your life. The greatest achievement in life is that you are proud of who you are and what have you accomplished in life. When you have this feeling, you win. You have everything. I hope someday they all will appreciate everything I've done for them, or in general. I don't want to take credit for anything, but those people will know one day, they will know it all. For me, I know everything now, but can't do anything about it. The wall is too thick, so many bricks I can't see the end of it… If I could just look into your eyes, the wall would suddenly collapse. But I can't, you don't let me. You don't let yourself. In this case, time doesn't heal the wounds. I know it, I've tried it. It doesn't change a thing. You're still there, all the time.

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