Monday, December 22, 2008

Can there be an end if there were no beginning?

We were just there and it just happened, all of a sudden. Right out of the blue, you just let yourself to me. Always smiling, self conscious and taking everything momentarily and as it is… I keep forgetting that you are one of »Them«… Scary, weird but… It seems that you are watching the happening from the distance just passing on some comments and making remarks about every fifth word I say. You have the ability to squeeze me in the corner with just one word, sometimes even the word is not needed. I have you just there, just than, but when I'm gone, everything is gone. Just like nothing ever happened or even less than that. You became just a pretty face again and I continue with my life as it was a month ago. And than you surprise me again, I'm happy but concerned. I have never met someone like you before, even »He« is not so complicated and calm. Maybe I'm just a threat and you are afraid too, maybe it's all just a game for you, maybe it never happened or maybe it has no beginning and therefore no end? Al those questions. Why? When? If? Would? Will? Why do we need them? I'm feeling strangely well for a quite long time now, it's not a happy »well« but just a strange »well« I'm experiencing for the first time. I can just say I am living. Not looking over my shoulder, not looking back, just living, not even looking forward. That's bad in a way, I must take matters in my own hands and handle life and everything what it brings… I'm not even sure if there was a beginning, can I expect an end or there never were a beginning to start with? Can we have a beginning without an end and an end with no beginning? Will we ever be on the same frequency? You've creped under my skin, I can't help it. Every time I see a boy with fuzzy hair and a smile, I feel a strange feeling in my stomach. Or even when I see a stubby one in a red shirt… Another feeling comes. Scary one. I'm afraid to face »him« again, it's easier to never come near again.

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