Saturday, May 1, 2010

I don't want to hurt you...

I stepped in this place on an unusual time on an unusual night. There you were, there I was. When I saw you, everything stopped. I was numb. I couldn't think. I didn't say a word, I hide myself under my hat. You were there, just there... smiling at me. We stayed like this for maybe an hour, it seemed forever. Then I just went to the other side of the place, I sat and I could see you among all these people... Smiling and just being you, without pretending... It lasted for a while, without saying any word. Then I went out in a rush, you grabbed my hand and went with me wherever I am going. And there we were, dancing. I was asking myself all the time, what just happened. I am just here and you are here... because of me... Then it lasted days for you to realize what happened. I didn't do anything, I waited. And when you did, it started... You were always there, always with me. You made me happy, we were just there without thinking of s future together. We said it will last until it will and then we go our separate ways. And I went away for a long time, you were waiting for me. I was confused. I did some stupid things, I will always regret. I cannot forgive myself for it. I didn't allow myself to let you in my life, my heart and my head. Then I came back, I was waiting for this moment for such a long time. When I saw you, I couldn't do anything. Only cry. I still don't know why, what happened. And so I cried all night. In the first week I couldn't accept you, you wanted to reach me, I pushed you away... every time. Then one day, I just could love again and it was perfect. I still don't understand, I am asking myself every day what happened. After a while you start to reveal your wishes with me, about me and... I felt strange, I couldn't realize it, couldn't respond to it. I was confused. What now? What is going on? I was so afraid of you, of me, of everything... Then we started to live together and it was magical. I thought it will be hard, different... it wasn't. It felt right. After a while it all felt right, i feel you could be the father of my children. We both have the same wish but I am just afraid of it all, afraid to make this decision. Everything can change in a glance, can it? How will we manage, where will we live? My family, yours, ours? But we will sort it out somehow... and then when you did the most beautiful thing in the world, I just couldn't handle it. I pushed you away again. I knew that it will kill you inside if I say this, do an action... and I did it in front of you. You just... didn't say anything. Cried. I am so sorry, I don't want to hurt you. But I don't want to hurt me to. I don't know if I can handle it, if I am strong enough for this now... or ever... I know I can make you the happiest person on this planet and the most miserable one in just one minute. I don't know why and how I hurt you every time, where is this coming? Am I taking revenge to someone else? It is not your fault, I am somehow protecting myself this way. You are paying for the damage that someone else caused. But this time I am afraid of me, it is all in my hands. You will stay as you are, you are not changing even though I am always expecting some unexpected change, which never appears. You are always the same, here for me, with me and just with me and for me.

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