Tuesday...

Over a year ago I would never think that if you wish for something so badly, can actually happen in any circumstances… There was one Sunday morning. I just stared at it. Just stared… And then it was the hardest part, to face the truth. There was one sad and rainy Tuesday. Everyone there had their own reason. Mine was the stupidest one. Life is not fair. It ended pretty quickly but I struggled until the end… I will never forgive this to myself, neither would you. I will keep you in my memory forever. You were mine for such a short time. I hope he can forgive me also, I think he can’t… it will always haunt us, all our lives… But life goes on for all the other people, nothing changed in the world. Nobody knows what pain I am facing, feeling of guilt, maybe bad judgments, listening to others… I think either way, I would decide, would be wrong. And here I am with my old life, passing exams which don’t show an end… He is facing it his way, no one knows how. Better not. And you, where are you?! Will there be another you, just you would have been? You are lost forever… This marks a person but this mark also make a person stronger and forces a person to come true his beliefs and accomplish all goals… just to run away from it, to prove on other life areas… 

A lot has changed since I have came back. I realized that I am enough and I am perfect the way I am. I don’t need anyone, what use are false friends? People notice that very quickly and they become to wonder how I can make it. I am happy to be with myself and by myself in our apartment. It is peaceful, calm… Only me and my happiness. I have tried to become invisible in different situations so I can avoid being noticed. These defense mechanisms may serve me for a while until I gather all the energy and heal myself, to be able to come out of my shell again. This time can take a while. After it, I will run away again and delay with reality for a little while longer.

Cute sweet and reliable VS misterious handsome and dangerous

I meet you in a strange surcomstances... but we managed to get in touch, you swept me of my feet with a nice car, fancy clothes, gorgeous charm... And then I went away for a long time without any promises. But we stayed in touch, you always answered so misteriously that I stayed interested... I am looking for an answer for 8 months now... I was living with memories of just one week for three months and then I entered this bar and there was he, cute, handsome and mischievous. I was numb, shy and just stood there. I just wanted you to take me somewhere without any words and… Now I am living a peacefull life with you, I thaught that you can't show your masculine side. But I am happy that you did. Now I know I have a kitten who can transform into a lion if I made you... Only I can make you to show your pride and power. And here I am, in your arms... then comes a day when I remember my country, my music and my culture and of course the handsome misterious guy, for who I know that doesn't bring permanent and solid life... Only occasional “heaven”. I know I can’t expect that you will change and see only me, that's why I’ve chosen other life… 

I don't want to hurt you...

I stepped in this place on an unusual time on an unusual night. There you were, there I was. When I saw you, everything stopped. I was numb. I couldn't think. I didn't say a word, I hide myself under my hat. You were there, just there... smiling at me. We stayed like this for maybe an hour, it seemed forever. Then I just went to the other side of the place, I sat and I could see you among all these people... Smiling and just being you, without pretending... It lasted for a while, without saying any word. Then I went out in a rush, you grabbed my hand and went with me wherever I am going. And there we were, dancing. I was asking myself all the time, what just happened. I am just here and you are here... because of me... Then it lasted days for you to realize what happened. I didn't do anything, I waited. And when you did, it started... You were always there, always with me. You made me happy, we were just there without thinking of s future together. We said it will last until it will and then we go our separate ways. And I went away for a long time, you were waiting for me. I was confused. I did some stupid things, I will always regret. I cannot forgive myself for it. I didn't allow myself to let you in my life, my heart and my head. Then I came back, I was waiting for this moment for such a long time. When I saw you, I couldn't do anything. Only cry. I still don't know why, what happened. And so I cried all night. In the first week I couldn't accept you, you wanted to reach me, I pushed you away... every time. Then one day, I just could love again and it was perfect. I still don't understand, I am asking myself every day what happened. After a while you start to reveal your wishes with me, about me and... I felt strange, I couldn't realize it, couldn't respond to it. I was confused. What now? What is going on? I was so afraid of you, of me, of everything... Then we started to live together and it was magical. I thought it will be hard, different... it wasn't. It felt right. After a while it all felt right, i feel you could be the father of my children. We both have the same wish but I am just afraid of it all, afraid to make this decision. Everything can change in a glance, can it? How will we manage, where will we live? My family, yours, ours? But we will sort it out somehow... and then when you did the most beautiful thing in the world, I just couldn't handle it. I pushed you away again. I knew that it will kill you inside if I say this, do an action... and I did it in front of you. You just... didn't say anything. Cried. I am so sorry, I don't want to hurt you. But I don't want to hurt me to. I don't know if I can handle it, if I am strong enough for this now... or ever... I know I can make you the happiest person on this planet and the most miserable one in just one minute. I don't know why and how I hurt you every time, where is this coming? Am I taking revenge to someone else? It is not your fault, I am somehow protecting myself this way. You are paying for the damage that someone else caused. But this time I am afraid of me, it is all in my hands. You will stay as you are, you are not changing even though I am always expecting some unexpected change, which never appears. You are always the same, here for me, with me and just with me and for me.