Me in Porto...

My shoes...

Me in the telephone booth...

What?

What is real, this life or life back home? Or neither of them? Every night the same lost feeling. Every night I want to just go on to that balcony and just watch the same view of this city. Why? What is there? Back home, I do the same. Night, silence, dark and none. Just me, thinking… What changed? Nothing, it's the same. What is my purpose? At home, I am so occupied with every day routine that I don't notice this. Here, here it's just me and only me. And they are right, I don't know what I want. When I have it, I want it gone. When it's gone, I want it back. Every day hoping to get this… I never get it. Why? The answer is in me. Because »this« doesn't exist, it's just me hoping for something that is not really what I want… and years go by. I am older. My school will be finished soon, my career built. What than, what happens after that? Job, steady payment. And after achieving all that, I still want to go to that balcony and look down and ask myself what comes next, where am I, what do I want? Than comes morning, everything is OK again, I somehow laugh through the day. And since I'm here, I have changed. I think I have, but actually I was the same before, just didn't have the time to see it. I am thinking, saying myself, I miss you. When you are here, I don't feel nothing. Just a urge, need to feel good. When this is over, you are still there. I don't feel anything. I don't want you to go, but when you went, I felt good. I felt relaxed, I could sleep and wake up calm. You couldn't sleep with me also, maybe there is a good reason for that. And again we are going in the past, I could only sleep relaxed with one person. All other was just a illusion of that. I forgot you, when I close my eyes, I don't picture your image. You are meaningless for me, but the feeling remains. The feeling I felt, when I laid my head on your chest. I want to feel this again but first I have to let it go, start over.

Nothing but everything...

When you came in to my life, I was not sure. I wanted my daily routine and I shot you away very badly. But after a few days, I realised it could be kind of nice. Though it was too late, the damage was done. Silently, you changed completely before my eyes. It's cold… so cold. Every time I look at you, I feel empty, your face has no expression. You shut me off with every single part of you. I don't feel pain. I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. I can't cry, I stay numb and just go, go far away from you. You are so close, yet so far away. I can smell you, but it's not real, it's not you. And then the next day you sweep me off my feet with just one »right« look, one word and one smile. You are very clever, you know exactly what you are doing and you know how much it takes to get my attention, and when. And then she comes, she just needs a shoulder to cry on. You need an audience. Then I step aside and go. And than messaging, why? It's simple; I can go away in one second. Just don't do one thing and think another. And again, when everything happened… I realize »they« are here again, and again and… When will it be over? Why only »them«? And I always make the same »mistakes«, they respond differently every time. Nobody understands, not even me. And then when we forget all this for a short moment, it's unbelievable… You are mine, just mine. You are happy, I am happy. But just until… until you change again. Then it all goes to nothing, everything we had. Never existed. We are not even friends, just two people in the same room. I must step back, go away… But I can't, I live for just a few good moments.

Again...

I was careful… very careful. I swore to myself that I will never fall for one of »them« again. I kept this avoidance for over a year. And then, in a moment of weakness, the moment I really needed it, I let myself go and everything happened in a second. At the beginning it wasn't as I wanted but in a couple of moments, he became just the person I wanted. It was similar to… I have let my self go and enjoyed every second of it but in my subconscious, I knew that when I leave this room, everything will be forgotten and my life will continue from the moment I stepped through that door. I had no expectations at all but still when I looked in your eyes, they were so sincere and you were just mine for that single moment. When we said goodbye, it seemed like you are happy, want to… But still, I knew the end of this story. Was it just a fun ride for you or was it a mistake or maybe it didn't even happen? I will never get the answer… Used to that, being in the dark with »them«…

All about Me...

I wake up in the morning and I don't feel strange because I can't feel anything warm against me. Just a warm feeling of a new day, a new day with just me. Would I have a cup of coffee first or would I maybe have a piece of cake? I would drink my coffee, read some important sites at the back of the paper… Than I would be late for College again. After class, I would go to city to have coffee with my friends and chat a little… That's all fine but why do I get this strange chilly feeling when I drive by some street, the street you live? Why does it hurt so much even though it's all »passe« and I don't think about it anymore. I've moved on, I'm happy with my life, myself… I wonder »what is he doing right now and what i he thinking about?«I have this feeling, that tells me I can love again, even stronger. Than I drive at the highway and I follow the road that takes me home, I'm just a slight turn away from… from a never ending story. I could just turn my wheel a little bit to the right and follow those blue signs. I would have fun for two or three hours, than I would go home like nothing happened, without any bad feelings… Just feeling strange, but not wondering because I already know where will it take me. I'm not feeling this feeling of appurtenance but just wanting someone I've loved for some long close. We will love each other for the rest of our life, the same goes for you. But I am not able to be with any of you in the spiritual way, just not possible and not wanted.. I can be with both of you fiscally, but that's all. I think you both know it… It wouldn't be the same as it was when we were together, but I would just feel close to someone, someone who doesn't love me or he never did… maybe still loves me and will love me for a long time… I don't want to find out. One of you hurt me with »nothing« and the other one hurt me really bad with his words and acts of malice. I will never forget the things you said to me, some nice, but a lot of them really mean. Not saying that it was all bad, it wasn't. We had a lot of nice memories, but those final words sealed up my trust and love to you. Now I'm on a never ending path of saying »NO«, driving home alone and being just me… But with a slight problems of missing some parts of you, your goofy smiles and funny clothes, your kinky looks and funny talk, and for the end...

Lars at the Beach...

Don't...

Just walking through time, not dealing with the past. Just walking by everything and everyone. Can there be an end to this? Could it be somewhere, can I change? I don't wait for you, they, them or us to change, just me. Don't want to go anywhere. Don't want to love anyone, don't want someone to love me. Just wan't to be, to be alone with myself. Don't want to tell anyone about anything, don't even want to answer my phone, see anyone. Don't even want to own a cellphone. But I keep answering my phone, talking to people… Why? Do I have to? I really don't want to. I just don't. But they don't understand it. They keep forcing me in relations that I clearly don't want. Just wan't to go far far away. No more exhaustions about all sorts of stuff, I don't care about some girl's pathetic ex-boyfriends or her fat ass. I just don't care… Leave me alone, I don't ask anyone to deal with me either. I don't need to, I can have a chat with myself and when I do, I'm satisfied with myself and relieved I've talked to myself. It's funny but that's how it is. I know myself the best. No one else knows me like that, well there is a person that can come close to that but that's history. He doesn't exist anymore. I have to say goodbye. I will eventually. He doesn't want to have anything with me, when I need him the most… he just doesn't exist anymore. Just have to learn to deal with it properly and understand it for sure. Coming to that… I'm close. I'm going to go away soon, everything will become clear to me there. I will be able to understand life, what it is all about.

Me&My Lancia Y...

Skiing...