That's All I Can Say...

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me...

Gone...

I was hesitating to write this post. Never found the right words to describe what I was trying to say, maybe even now is not the right time… I'm hesitating with my own thaughts, don't wan't to face the reality. But there it is, folowing me at all times like a shadow. He's gone. Really gone. For the first time of my life I don't wan't to feel anything, just want to forget, walk away and avoid the thaughts that I will probobly never gonna see him again, never be able to laugh at his goofy smile, won't be able to watch him while he sleeps and the worst thing for me is that I will never be able to hug him. He was my best friend, my shelter, he was mine and now everything is gone and I'm just placed back to the start just with a lot of memories. I hope we will be able to talk about it some day, to laugh at the reasons why we broke up… The reasons are meaningless, they don't make sense. I can't believe that it could end so quickly and so… for no reason really. We really had something, some conection, but we were slovly loosing this connection day by day by not talking to each other so often, by having a stressed life… And again this didn't really turno ut like I wanted too, nothing does. For him, I could say, he was realy »mine«. I will miss him very much, he was an important person in my life.

A Shell and a Hippopotamus...

Some people realize that They love someone when it's to late, when the loved person is already gone… And some know it all along, every day. And when the person is gone, they
just get this strange feeling of emptiness, they simply want the person back…

I think people just disapear, they are there, we can see them, but they have changed. There is nothing about them anymore to make them »they« before our eyes. Just an empty shell. We put all of our energy in finding that person again but we are just getting further and further away from it. We start to feel hate from the persons side, we can't prove it but everytime we see Them, it's chilly. It's cold, it's not that what it was… Than we hide in our shell and wait for better days. In the meantime they tell us that they don't like our astrological sign, because we are out and when something goes wrong we are safely in again. Well it's nice to have the place to hide... And They have the skin of a hippo, which gets thiner every day, layer by layer or the other way around. You never know it… and never will…

Not just thinking of your self all the time gets you in trouble either, constant planing for everyone to be pleased, trying to please everyone, doesn't get you far either. They will find a person who is fun, not so close, just a coleque, who will agree on everything, using you because he is alone and doesn't have anyone else and who will ruin the »Thing« you have with your »Person« just that he will not look bad and alone. But They don't see that because They are social beings. And We are not so social, we have repressed feelings because We don't want to be sorounded with people all the time…

The worst thing is because they don't express clearly what They want, what's wrong… They just put Us on hold and live their life. The thing is that nothing or everything is wrong by Them. Constant trying to please Them and constant feeling that we will make something wrong is just not enough for Them. But They on the other hand can do whatever they want, expecting We to aprove it and just nod.

Patience solves it all, with some that means a lot of nerves, no ability to eat, sleep or do anything and with some that means leaving your life like before just with less phone calls from They, more fun, just Them, not thinking about it, working as a machine, no feelings, They can sleep in any condition, eat as well, even easier. For Them the »Thing« doesn't change everything.

Easter...

Letting Go...

There are moments when I just wanna let go of everything, even on people I love. I just want them gone. But not because there's a problem with them, it's with me. If I don't feel »Me« than nobody else will feel me like »Me« either, so I back off and hide in my closet till the storm is over.

Being alone is the hardest thing at the beginning, but when a month passes you get used to it: just you and your thoughts. It's easier. But I choose the hardest path of them all to deal with my problems, disagreements, misunderstandings etc every day and then keep thinking “Why” for several days in a row. It solves itself in a day or so, but then something new comes.

It's getting used to being alone that's the hardest; laying in bed alone, eating alone, being happy and sad alone. And even when I get a small fraction of time to be together with someone I stay quiet – numb. The hardest, ugliest, grossest feeling is knowing that someone was in your bed yesterday at the exact same time near you, prepared to share his dreams with you and now it's empty. I have to close my eyes all alone and it terrifies me, and when I wake up in the morning I still have that feeling that I'm going to squeeze next to his warm body and sleep like that until I wake up again. It's a safe feeling; the nicest one in the world – to wake up in the morning next to somebody you love.

One Mistake Ends It All...

Does it sometimes happen to you that you feel a little down for no particular reason?! I do ... Why does it have to be like that?! Then it happens ... I was a good little girl all my life and I always knew what I was doing and why, always obeyed the rules and was afraid to look on the other side, stayed on the safe side of the road...

Did all my chores, studied hard to pass in school and than I just went to the bar, left my boyfriend somewhere without him knowing where I was, with his best friend and got deadly drunk. Got so drunk I hardly remember anything. It happened so fast ... How could that be?! I believe there was a reason behind it all. I wanted to get away from my usual routine just for a second and that is all what is needed with me: just one single moment and I am gone to the dark side. Maybe it was trust; I knew nothing could happen to me, he will always find me and carry me home safely. He would leave later, but I would be safe and sound. He could be mad at me, smash everything around me, but I would still feel safe, because he was there to catch me when I fall.

I still do not know how that happened, although I have a clue. I wanted to let go of everything for that moment and not think about the consequences. There were some repressed emotions accumulating for a long time and maybe they just “popped out”. Not a pleasant feeling, never want to do it again and I feel very sorry. Unfortunately, everybody else will read this but the person to whom this is dedicated.

The Sims 2